This is really hard. I never realized I had friends that were a negative influence on my life until recently and it was difficult to grasp. Here’s what happened:
I had a couple of friends from college. When we went to uni we saw each other almost everyday, before and after classes, studied together, leaned on each other during tough times, everything! I really valued their friendship because they were really different than the friends I had in high school. Their personalities were so fun, always laughing and sleeping over each others’ houses~
Once we graduated it was tough transitioning.. I wanted to keep seeing them on a regular basis but we all had jobs or grad school and I lived far away from Uni. They stayed close to Uni so I ended up being the one kind of left out of a lot of events and get-togethers. After a few years went by I missed a lot of things going on in their lives and our once-a-3 month dinners were too short to rehash everything. The two of them stayed super close and I could see it clear as day. Of course I felt upset… Another thing that separated us was I had a boyfriend I lived with and spent a lot of my time with. My friends were both single, mingling and partying a lot. It just wasn’t my scene anymore.
One time we met up for dinner and ran into another Uni friend (we will call her Lucy) who we invited to join us for dinner. The four of us had fun eating and drinking~ towards the end of the night Lucy went home first and as soon as she left the restaurant, my friends went off-
“Lucy is such a mooch, she only paid $5 for all the alcohol she drank. God, that’s why we never invite her to anything. Did you see her face? She needs to lose weight. Jeez I was so sick of her complaining all night long“.
WOW. I was not expecting all that. After that night I felt like walking on eggshells around them. I had no idea they thought that way of our friend. Do they think that stuff about me?? Do I say stupid things around them that they take personally? I wonder if I did anything rude to them and they hate me too? Are they just faking it with me too?? This made me too insecure at my age. I’m freaking in my mid-twenties- I’m too old for this shit.
Looking back, the biggest toxicity from them was they outright unapproved and judgement about my then-boyfriend (now fiance). They didn’t think he was right for me, they thought I deserved better which I completely understand, that’s their opinion. But just the sour looks and lack of empathy when I talked about my life and my relationship really made me feel unsupported and stupid. Why did they have to be so negative all the time? It’s not like their lives were sparkling golden perfection all the time either. Come to think of it, I cannot think of a single time when they congratulated or were happy for me..
With the distance and time separating us.. I also realized they stopped texting me as often and only texted when they needed something. And when they needed my help, the conversation always ended in “oh yeah, we should get together soon”…. Did they really mean it? Or was it a mercy dinner since I helped them?
This really hurt. I felt like because I was the one that took a full time job and lived far away and they stayed in school, our lives went apart and they didn’t seem to care. Maybe the whole time I was fooling myself?
Either way I don’t think it was a true friendship. I guess it was out of convenience. I wish they could have been more supportive of my life and we could have maybe talked about it?? We were in each others’ lives for a season and it’s over now. oh well. I wish them the best. I don’t want to put effort into a friendship that negatively affects my life and isn’t reciprocated.
That is my hunnyy mental health post for the month. Lol I hope if you guys have had a similar experience that you came out of it happier~ Less time for toxic friends and more time for real loving friends!!! <3
xoxo,
hunnyy